Get Me a Bucket

While at Safeway to stock up on food for the glorious revolution, I discovered myself stuck in a cashier lane that was not moving at all despite the appearance that it should be. The problem, I realized that at the front of the aisle was a super-humungously fat woman with her almost as super-humoungously fat son. There appeared to be some sort of issue with the cashier and as a result, the aisle was blocked up like, well, an artery after way too many sausages.

It occurred to me that the extremely obese capitalist pigs were the perfect symbol of the decline and fall of the American capitalistic system, mainly that here were two people who despite all the warnings, all the evidence, all the issues about obesity, a huge portion of Americans still think there's nothing wrong just one more onion ring dipped in ranch dressing. Apparently, the fact that the woman was so huge that she was carrying a cane to support herself still did not realize that maybe a bacon double cheeseburger isn't such a good idea.

We're All Bankers Now

Now that we, as a nation, are stock holders in yet another bank, this time Citicorp, we are eagerly awaiting our share of the profits once we get out of this mess. Or profits when it gets healthy and is sold back to private investors. Failing that, we would at least like to get invited to one of those fancy parties all those bankers seem to like throwing for themselves.

The Central Committee is also working on finding new CEO's of each individual bank and taking resumes from members of the revolutionary forces. So far, the leading contender for Bank of America appears to be a recent manager of a Subway Store from Pougheskipee New York. By all accounts, it was one of the cleanest and most well run Subways in the Tri-State area. He has no bank experience but it appears that huge amounts of banking/financial experience meant anything

It's Time for a Draft

I'm not sure whether I want this kid to be sent to Afghanistan where he can be fragged by his fellow soldiers, have his car break down in the middle of the poor sections of DC or Baltimore, or given a job as a Congressional Page. Needless to say, whatever CCCT (the Committee for Condescending Twerp Conservatives, otherwise known as the George Will Brigade) decides, it will involve a super-atomic wedgie.

Sorry for the lack of postings, but Central Committee has been watching and rewatching the Sorta State of the Union speech to take notes of who stood up for what and who didn't. While we won't take note of every applause line, we do figure anyone that doesn't stand for the passing of the SCHIP bill, you know, the one that makes it easier for poor children to get health care, certainly deserves dishonorable mention. We're thinking something biblical here, like a plague that strikes them with something that their health insurance doesn't cover.

We are also busy monitoring the CPAC (Conservative Political Action Committee) proceedings but between Michelle "Anti-Americans Should be Watched" Bachmann not only being the President of the proceedings but calling RNC Chairman Michael Steele "Da Man", the presence of Joe the Plumber, John Bolton making a joke out Chicago getting nuked, Mitch McConnell talking about how fun it would be to hang out with either him or Rush Limbaugh, or any other various bits of insanity, we have yet to determine how much of all of this is real and how much all of this performance art. We are also not quite sure that doing anything to the GOP is worthwhile these days as they seem to be doing a perfectly fine job of doing themselves in themselves.

We do hope to hit them with a self-made gay bomb soon just for shits and giggles, but, once again, we're not sure a bunch of uptight religious homophobes don't need any help in having anonymous gay sex in bathrooms

Sanford is Dumb II

It has come to my attention that in the few days since this blog has been started, the communiques have not been revolutionary-y enough. Now that the Glorious Revolution™ (yeah, that's right, we trademarked the sucker-- suck it commies) is in full effect, Up Against the Wall Motherfucker will now strive to do a much better job of being the mouthpiece of the People- Fielding

It has come to our attention from the CARQ (Committee Against Ridiculous Quotes) that the aforementioned right honorable Mark Sanford-- someone who we are sure will be a leading contender to be the next Republican Presidential Candidate for his willful desire to showcase his idiocy-- compared the new economic polices to both the Weimar Republic and Stalin-era Soviet Union, thus achieving the always difficult double Godwin and the even rarer 7/10 split of comparing the same thing to two complete opposites, the Weimar Republic being what led to Fascism and the USSR being communist. The analogy, of course, is ridiculous because as we all know, the deterioration of the Weimar Republic's economy came about due to Germany being saddled with ridiculous debt from starting a stupid and completely useless war.

Oh wait.

We are amazed Sanford did not hurt himself during this exercise

As for the punishments, Central Committee has deemed that Republican Governor's such as Sanford and Bobby Jindal, will be forced to accept all parts of this stimulus bill as well as any others passed and will have to name any and all new construction projects and schools after President Obama and attend every ribbon cutting ceremony. The Committee has also deemed that not only will the new construction projects be named after Obama, but his full name will have to be used, thus ensuring that one day, Mark Sanford will have to attend the opening of the brand new Barack Hussein Obama Elementary School.

CARQ has also notified us that GOP Head Honcho Michael Steele complained that the new economic policies will cause both inflation and deflation but will not call for punishment as Steele provides too much comic material.

The Brooks Brothers Revolt

It's probably too late to get into the whole Rick Santelli thing but a few comments about it, other than he definitely Wall Worthy.

1)It does seem rather an American thing that a rich person is able to start a populist revolt by protesting over something that will prevent him from continuing to become an even richer person. We do like our rich people here in the U.S. of A. In fact, huge parts of our economic system is based on ways to ensure rich people get richer, all with the full endorsement of the non-rich American people who somehow feel that it's in their best interests for this to happen. See "Reaganomics". We here in America operate under some sort of Bizarro Marxism where the working class won't be happy unless the ruling class keep the means of production

2)The rant does show that we've come a long way in that the rich and powerful now have to resort to whining on a trading floor to whenever their status is threatened. In earlier times, they'd resort to other ways to handle attempts to take some of their power away-- like mass beheadings, or banishing them from their feudal manor or selling people into slavery after sleeping with their virgin daughters. Luckily for us, they can't do that anymore. Instead, we'll have to just be content in letting them run everything.

Sanford & Dumb

Up next is Jindal's fellow Governor, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford, previously mentioned below. Sanford, who actually wrote an editorial in the Wall Street Journal, Don't Bail out My State, has done the loudest hemming and the loudest hawing over the stimulus package, once threatening to not take a single dollar, nickel, nor penny of the stimulus money. Now he's finally up for taking the money, but not all of it. Seems he wants part of the package, but not the part of the package that includes unemployment benefits and the building of green buildings, thus achieving the rare trifecta of asshattery by being anti-poor, anti-jobs, and anti-environment.


South Carolina, by the way, has given us two other candidates for the Wall, Senator Lindsey Graham, the guy who recently threw a hissy fit about the "lack of bipartisanship" shown by Obama unlike him who was one of the House Leaders of the Clinton Blow Job Impeachment, and Jim DeMint who's said all sorts of intelligent things about the package, including that it was bad for Jesus Lovers and a mugging. DeMint is such a die-hard that is proposed economic bail out plan consisted of nothing but tax breaks, tax cuts, and tax hacking and said this about the bill:

"Not since the passage in 1909 of the 16th Amendment — which cleared the way for a federal income tax — has the United States seriously entertained a policy so comprehensively hostile to economic freedom, nor so arrogantly indifferent to economic reality."

Ummmm, yeah.

Let's Exorcise Bobby Jindal

For the inaugural posting of Up Against the Wall Motherfucker, I present our first candidate, the right-honorable Governor of the Great State of Louisiana, Bobby Jindal. Jindal, who is considered one of the great lights of the Republican Party for having non-white skin and for being so down with Jesus that he actually claimed to witness an exorcism, has announced that he is going to refuse part of the stimulus package on the grounds that essentially make it so that unemployed workers get more unemployment money. After some hemming and hawing and threatening not to take on single penny of the stimulus- Louisiana's infrastructure being perfectly fine and all- Jindal finally signed on. He also said he'll take the extra unemployment cash but only the money that comes from the federal government which comes out to an extra $25 a week. He will not, however, comply with the rules that make it easier for unemployed people to receive more money. This, according to him, is bad because it would mean more unemployment money to unemployed people from businesses who unemployed them.

Louisiana, right now, has it so that people can get unemployment only if they've worked at a job for over a year. The new bill says people will be eligible now if they've worked at a place for just over three months and Jindal opposes that. Fuck temp/contractors. It could also make it so that people will be eligible if they've only been able to get part-time work or have to leave for family emergencies. Naturally, Jindal opposes this too-- fuck people who can't get full-time jobs and fuck working mothers. Lazy-asses.

Also on the list are other Republican Governors who are terribly pained over the thought of taking the money, mainly South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford and Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour. Sanford is a special case because he could say no but it works out that the State Legislature can overrule him, making him the perfect Republican politician-- able to stand up there and defiantly say no to Big Gummint while knowing the full while he'll get the money anyways.

I could rant here how all three Governor's run states that take a huge percentage of federal money, a huge percentage of which comes from us Northern Blue States, to make up for the financial austerity they all preach, but I won't. Suffice it to say, if a Civil War were to be refought, they might not find the North so compliant in doing the aggression.